Change is Good. Behavior is More Than Meets the Eye. (Part 1)
When I was working in local school districts, “behavior” was talked about a lot for all of the students. We wanted the kids to behave and at times (often), we would reward them for what was deemed to be “good” behavior. As a therapist, my expectation was to make sure I was addressing the student’s goals/areas of need, but it was often assumed that in order to help students make progress, I needed to have what is often referred to as “instructional control.” This is generally thought of as an adult’s ability to establish themselves as the “boss,” and the students’ abilities to follow the “lead” of that adult. Now in and of itself, having or being leaders and followers isn’t a bad thing. Knowing how to follow a direction and following it isn’t negative either. But something I didn’t use to consider was how often in a teacher-student relationship that “behaving” or “following directions” becomes the point rather than actually learning and/or the relationship itself. Learning requires thinking about how new information fits in with what you already know, and making changes based upon that information. If you don’t challenge what you’re learning, how does that process happen? Relationships are much more varied and nuanced than a “leader/follower” or a “boss/employee” relationship, so why is it that those are the most focused on relationships in a classroom of students?
Too often, society at large becomes about compliance. You’re given a direction, you’re expected to follow it. Sometimes, these sorts of directions are meant to keep you alive (e.g. STOP at a STOP sign). Other times, rules or directions are there to keep you safe (e.g. wear a coat/hat outside when it’s below freezing temperatures so that you don’t get frostbite). Even then though, there is nuance to those directions. How many times have you rolled through a stop sign or just paused rather than coming to a complete stop because you could see that no one was around? How many times have you seen adults wearing shorts even though it’s 20 degrees (Farenheit) outside? Many other “rules” in life are not even spoken, but often assumed in cultures or certain social situations (e.g. don’t speak while others are speaking, make or don’t make eye contact with others, shake hands to say hello, kiss or hug your relatives, etc.). How important is it that we follow directions? Does it matter who is giving that direction? Do the reasons behind directions matter? Is there more to life than compliance?
In response to that last question, I would say yes, of course. How do we improve systems if we can’t critique them? How do we figure out our beliefs or practices if we don’t question them? How is anything new invented, created, inspired, etc. if we insist on thinking the same way that we always have? Who is making the “rules,” and how often are we asked to blindly follow the expectations of others? Is authoritarian leadership what we think is best? Does being a follower mean that we comply without question? What makes someone’s behavior “good” and someone’s behavior “bad?”
It’s okay to ask more questions than have answers. I have learned a lot of different ideas on behavior, alternatives to rewards, and methods of compromise thanks to authors like Alfie Kohn and Dr. Ross Green. In my Part 2 post, I will get into what “behavior” does or doesn’t look like, and look at the work of Dr. Mona Delahooke.
I want to acknowledge too that I have the freedom to question society and risk not following directions more so than my black, brown, native, queer, gender non-conforming, etc. peers because my life is not regularly at risk for doing so as a straight, cis-gendered, white woman. There is privilege in what I write about and I don’t try and pretend for a minute that I have all of the answers, nor am I the first to ask these questions. If these thoughts are new to you however, reader, I encourage you to sit with them and join me in the journey.
